Miley Cyrus hasn’t killed anybody

If she had, I feel certain TMZ would have a video of the crime. As it is, they don’t even have videos of her staggering drunk out of nightclub, “powdering her nose” in a bathroom stall, getting her mug shot taken or flashing her va-ja-jay.

So what has this impossibly ambitious and successful 15-year-old done to warrant being called “Slutty Miley” by gossip bloggers? Seems the Hannah Montana star posed for a few photos flashing approximately the same amount of flesh that most girls her age display when dressed up to go to church. This is apparently enough for gossip gangsters desperate for a scoop to compare her to those wretched examples for America’s youth known to the Hollywood division and their parole boards as Paris, Nicole, Britney and Lindsay. The latter two are the ones to whom Miley is most often compared—complete with dire predictions for her future.

Alas, young Ms. Cyrus is gainfully employed by the Disney Co., which has set up an impossible standard of teen purity to which no flesh-and-blood woman child with raging hormones can live up. Most annoying, past pubescent princesses were given considerably more leeway.

50 years ago, pioneering Disney deb Annette Funicello presented a girl-next-door image but was better known for the parts she possessed than the ones she played. As that sensitive guy Kenickie stated in Grease, “Nobody’s got bigger jugs than Annette.” An entire generation of adolescent males fixated on her ta-tas did not deter Ms. Funicello from growing into fairly normal adulthood, complete with cutesy beach flicks and peanut butter commercials.

Country jailbait Tanya Tucker sang about “Would you lay with me in a field of stone” several years before she could legally lay anywhere but didn’t make headlines until she was over 18 and snorting coke with Glen Campbell.

Rockabilly tween superstar Brenda Lee first charted at 12, was a huge star by 15 and wed 45 years ago at 18. She’s still married and has never been touched by scandal. Of course, she’s probably lucky that she was a teen before we had camera phones or Perez Hilton. Ms. Cyrus isn’t as fortunate so I hope she has a thick skin and a helluva sense of humor.