Dukes sing a new tune in Hazzard reunion

Here’s an article I did for Country Weekly in April, 1997

Dukes sing a new tune in Hazzard reunion
By Linda F. Cauthen

Look out - the Dukes are back! And we don’t mean reruns!

Sure, Bo, Luke, Daisy and the rest of the clan have been on TNN for the last year, pickin’ up a whole new generation of followers, but now fans can catch the heroes of Hazzard County in a new adventure.

CBS-TV gets the gang back together for the made-for-television movie The Dukes of Hazzard: Reunion!, which will air Friday, April 25, 8 p.m. - 10 p.m. Eastern.
Almost all the original Dukes cast returns, including John Schneider (Bo Duke), Tom Wopat (Luke Duke), Catherine Bach (Daisy), Denver Pyle (Uncle Jesse), Ben Jones (Cooter), James Best (Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane), Sonny Shroyer (Deputy Enos) and Rick Hurst (Deputy Cletus.) Steve Wariner is aboard as musical director, while Don Williams takes over the narrator role originated by Waylon Jennings.

Missing is the late Sorrell Brooke, who portrayed the villainous “Boss” Hogg. The Dukes’ nemesis in The Dukes of Hazzard: Reunion! will be cigar-smoking sexpot Mama Max, played by Stella Stevens.

From the beginning, country music played a large part in the appeal of the show. Original Dukes producer and creator Gy Waldron says, “When I was structuring this show for TV, I followed the record industry. I looked at the strength of country music, and I realized that if we could get people who listen to country music to watch The Dukes of Hazzard, we would have the strongest audience in television.”

One of the orginal show’s running gags was that “Boss” Hogg was too cheap to hire famous acts to perform at his bar, so he had Sheriff Rosco set up a speed trap on the highway to nab unsuspecting country stars. The acts were then forced to sing for their bail. Stars caught in this sting included Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette and the Oak Ridge Boys. Waylon Jennings and Mel Tillis also acted on episodes of Dukes.

The CBS-TV movie has some new twists. “It’s the 200th anniversary of the founding of Hazzard County,” Waldron explains, “so there’s a big homecoming with a possum cook-off and a rattlesnake chili contest.”

Since the last episode was filmed in 1985, the characters have faced changes in their lives. “Bo Duke was going up to see the Grand Ole Opry, took a wrong turn at Charlotte and ended up a professional race car driver. Luke Duke left home to go out and change the world, and ended up being a senior smoke jumper for the forestry service,” Waldron explains.

“The biggest change, probably, is in Daisy. She ran off and got married to the wrong man and he abandoned her. She got a divorce and did the one thing she’s always wanted to do - go back to school. Rosco’s now both boss and sheriff, and he’s the most inept villain ever to come down the pike. Cooter took a bath, got shaved and ran for Congress! Uncle Jesse’s the only on that stayed home.”

The actors’ lives have also changed in the last decade. Besides movies and TV work, Schneider has four No.1 country songs and a No.1 album.

His San Antonio-based company, Faithworks, distributes family movies and music, and he now has a recurring role in the hit TV series Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.
Tom Wopat, who was host of TNN’s Prime Time Country for a while, has been pursuing dual careers in acting and music. He is currently in the CBS-TV series Cybill, and is recording a new album.

The two co-stars show off their singing talents on the new show’s opening theme song “Carryin’ On,” produced by Steve Wariner who says, “They both did a great job. You can tell they’re having fun. They’re whooping and hollering and acting crazy.”

Steve’s instrumental expertise is used for the incidental music, which Waldron describes as “fantastic.” He adds, “What we should have done was put out an album for this show. The music’s that good.”

And the comraderie of the cast is as good as ever, too. John Schneider says, “It felt like we finished work on a Friday and came back to work on a Monday and no time had passed.”

If Selena had lived...

In our 11-year history, the one sure-fire seller for Estylo was the late Tejano star Selena. We did three special issues dedicated to her but it got harder to come up with new material as time went on. I had already done a fictional look at what Elvis might have done with his life had he lived another 20 years sometime earlier, so it wasn't too hard to fabricate a future for Selena, since after two previous specials, I knew way more about her than I ever intended to know. RIP, Selena.

If Selena had lived...A fictional look at what might have happened if Selena were alive today.
by Linda F. Cauthen

Selena Quintanilla Perez felt groggy, as though she had awakened from a bad dream.
When she opened her eyes she realized the dream was real.
She lay in a hospital bed with tubes all over her body. She took a deep breath and felt a sharp pain in her chest. She tried to speak but her throat permitted only a croak. A moment later she saw a nurse appear at her side and tried to speak again, as the nurse removed the tube from her throat and gently touched her face.
“Be still, Selena. You were badly hurt and need to rest.”
Selena struggled to sweep the cobwebs out of her head and remember why she was here. Then, like a bolt of lightning, it all came back. The meeting with her fan club president, Yolanda Saldivar, the argument, walking out of the room and feeling the gunshot rip through her body, then running down the hall to the motel office and collapsing inside. At that point the memories stopped.
“I thought she was my friend, but she tried to kill me. Oh, my God...”
“Just calm down, dear,” the nurse said in a soothing voice. “We’re taking good care of you here and you’ll be just fine.”
“My family!” Selena wailed. “They must be going insane!”
“They’ve been here the entire three days you were unconscious. You can see them soon.”
After a doctor came in to check on her, Selena was allowed a few minutes with her family. Only two were allowed in at a time, starting with her husband Chris and her mother Marcela, both with tears in their eyes. Chris took her hand and kissed it, murmuring, “I though we had lost you, my beautiful one.”
Her mother brushed her hair back from her face, kissed her cheek and whispered, “My precious baby.”
After a while all the other family members came in to greet her, including her father Abraham, her sister Suzette and her brother AB.

Two weeks later Selena’s doctors agreed that she could finish recuperating at home. When they wheeled her to the door of the hospital, she was shocked to see hundreds of fans filling the parking lot and street, many holding signs with messages like “Get well soon, Selena!" She also noticed some that read “Death to Yolanda Saldivar." While in the hospital she had attempted to drive the memories from her mind, but when the police came to question her she had no choice but to live it all again. At least now she could go home, get well and try to put her life back together.
Being home with the man she loved made Selena think once more about something they had discussed before the shooting. She had already made an appointment to have her IUD removed. Now she was even more determined to start a family. Nearly dying had caused her to focus on what was really important in life.
In June she had the device removed, and by late July she was pregnant.

The trial of Yolanda Saldivar began in October. Selena’s early-blooming baby bump made her a sympathetic figure in court, and the obviously unbalanced Saldivar looked even more like a monster. The two-week trial resulted in a conviction, with Saldivar sentenced to life for attempted murder. All Selena could feel was relief and the desire to move on with her own life.
She spent the winter at home, planning for her new baby and the resumption of her career. Christopher Abraham Perez was born on April Fool’s Day 1996. As much as she enjoyed motherhood, Selena was itching to get back in front of her fans again. She had spent the last months of her pregnancy designing a new line of clothes for her boutiques and working on an autobiography she hoped to publish one day. But in her heart she remained a musician.
Selena returned to the studio on fire with renewed ambition, and her band was thrilled to have their star back in action. Her producer, Keith Thomas, showed up one day with a big grin on his face and a tape in his hand. He said that the label’s biggest artist was dying to record a duet with her and had even written a song for them to do together. She took the tape and gasped as she read the label.
“Garth Brooks wants to record with me? Wow!”
The duet appeared on Selena’s album Resurrection, released in December 1996. Her fans were overjoyed to have her back and the album rocketed to multi-platinum status. The single with Brooks topped both the pop and country charts and won two Grammys at the 1997 awards show. Her Resurrection tour, launched in April 1997, took her all over U.S. The following year Chris Jr. turned two. He was already a veteran traveler, so she decided to go international the next time. Her follow-up tour in 1998 became the year’s biggest grosser .
By now Selena was ready to take a breather. When she came home from the road she relaxed with her family, planned the opening of several new boutiques and continued to work on her autobiography. She also began another, even more important project. Her second child, Marcella Suzette Perez, was born October 20th, 1999.
While taking time off from the road, Selena considered new musical directions. After conquering the English-speaking music market, she was ready to try something closer to her roots. Listening to new sounds from artists like Shakira and Carlos Vives, she was inspired to record another album in Spanish, this time with a fresher, more global sound than the Tejano style that had launched her career. Her album Caliente was released in 2000 to rave reviews and again sales went multi-platinum.
Having achieved so many of her goals before the age of thirty, Selena reflected on her life and finally finished her autobiography. Selena was published in 2001 and topped the best-seller list for several months. She made many appearances on TV talk shows to promote the book, and soon network executives were so taken with her effortless charm that they offered her the chance to film a pilot for her own show.
Her sitcom, entitled simply Selena, debuted in fall 2003 on the WB and was an instant hit. She starred as a young wife and mother determined to be a singing superstar. The show is now in its second season and has already been picked up for a third. Her next album is set for release later this year, and she just found out she’s pregnant with her third child, an event that will be written into the sitcom’s storyline. Selena, Chris and the kids live in a beautiful home in Beverly Hills while she shoots the show, and Chris has produced music for several feature films. They also have a home in Corpus Christi, where they return frequently to visit family.
In 2004, Yolanda Saldivar was murdered in prison.

Sizzle or Fizzle?

This is the kind of story you're doomed to have to pull together if you write for a celeb-related publication and Valentine's Day in approaching. I got about half the Sizzles correct and both Fizzles-one of the latter just got hitched one more time to someone else.

The Ten Sexiest Latino Couples of 2006: Why they sizzle — Why they fizzle
by Linda F. Cauthen

Sizzle

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker
Desperate Housewives sexpot Eva Longoria had just divorced soap star Christopher Tyler in January 2005, when her dad Enrique introduced her to San Antonio Spurs player Tony Parker after a game. Tony was too shy to ask Eva out on a real date so he asked dad and daughter to dinner. Things clicked and soon the couple was dating a deux. The obviously smitten Eva gushed “Tony was one of the most charming men I had ever met, and I fell in love with his whole manner, the sexy French accent he has when he speaks English, and how he behaves like a gentleman.” It has to be love —she even had his initials tattooed on a very private part of her body. “He is my everything,” Longoria has said. “He is never far from my heart. I’ve made a lot of bad choices in my life. I think the only thing I can say is you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get to your prince.”

Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova
Are they or aren’t they? Married, that is. People en Espanol’s #1 Sexiest Bachelor Enrique Iglesias and Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova have been dating since she played his girlfriend in the 2002 music video “Escape” and they’ve been playing hide-and-seek with the press ever since. The couple has become notorious for smoldering public displays of affection but have kept mum on the exact status of their relationship. Tabloids were reporting the couple had wed on a Puerto Vallarta beach in November 2004 and Kournikova was observed wearing a wedding band on her ring finger at a charity tennis event in Florida. Neither has come clean on whether they’ve actually made it legal. Or not.

Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake
Two years ago, if Hollywood’s gossip mavens were to choose the new couple least likely to still be together today, model-turned-actress Cameron Diaz and decade younger popstar Justin Timberlake would be their likeliest choice. What’s their secret? Probably that they seem to be having a blast together. They love to go out dancing and take romantic vacations to Hawaii. As we went to press, the happy couple was rumored to have invited more than 150 guests at a party in Hawaii, to “celebrate their romance.” Will they celebrate it by tying the knot? Nobody’s saying. Cameron has commented “It’s funny. We get these things every few days where one magazine is saying we’re breaking up and the other magazine is saying that we’re moving in together. Then another magazine says we’re getting married next weekend. But we know what the truth is. It doesn’t hurt us.”

Benjamin Bratt and Talisa Soto
Benjamin Bratt wed stunning former Bond girl Talisa Soto in April 2002, less than a year after ending his tabloid-frenzied affair with A-list actress Julia Roberts. Since then, the beautiful couple, who met while filming Pinero in 2001, have added two little Bratts to their home, Sophia Rosalinda Bratt born in December 2002 and Mateo Bravery Bratt born in October 2005. How do these two keep the home fires burning? Bratt says “I’ve rented a house on a little bay in Kauai a couple of times and I want to make that a tradition. Having the beach right outside your window would be great. Building a little bonfire at night on the beach and lying on a blanket with my wife under the stars is not only sexy, it’s romantic.”

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
Will the third time be the charm for Jennifer Lopez? She wed waiter Ojani Noa in 1997 and it was over a year later. Number two to to choreographer Cris Judd fell victim to a setside romance with Ben Affleck after a few months. Her marriage to singer Marc Anthony has made it past the first anniversary and the two have recently bought a sprawling new mansion. There have been rumors that the couple plans to add a little addition to their family but they’ll have to fit that in between Marc’s music, Jennifer’s demanding role in the film drama Bordertown and their collaboration on a biopic of salsa singer Hector Lavoe. But when do they find time to relax? “We relax just like anybody else,” Lopez told People magazine. “We kind of want to make everybody go away for a little while and just lock ourselves at home.”

Thalia and Tommy Mottola
Henry Kissinger said power was the greatest aphrodisiac and there’s no better proof of this than the number of moguls who marry exquisitely beautiful women. On December 2, 2000, Latin music megastar Thalía tied the knot with music mogul Tommy Mottola, in a lavish $3 million dollar wedding ceremony at NYC’s St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Already a superstar for both her acting and her music in her native Mexico and other countries at the time of the nuptials, Thalía has since expanded her fame into a multimedia empire that includes her own clothing line and numerous endorsement deals. Watch out Tommy, there may not be room for two moguls in the family.

Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey
The couple met on the set of the film Sahara in summer 2004 and have been carrying on a jet-set romance ever since, with Matthew hopping on a plane to Spain to visit his lady as she was shooting Pedro Almodovar’s new movie, Volver and taking a romantic side trip to Cuenca. Matthew’s secret to maintaining a long-distance relationship? “You just have to try and communicate as best as possible.” It seems to be working as Matthew has succeeded in turning Penelope into a fan of his fave team the Houston Astros. Both have been reticent about revealing too much to the public and the press. “Matthew is lovely, a wonderful man,” Penelope has stated. “But I feel more protective about my personal life every day. It always seems to go wrong when you share too much.”

Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro
MTV’s cameras captured the days leading up to their November 2003 wedding with the reality series Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave. More than two years later, the former Baywatch babe and her guitar slinger are still rockin’ together. Carmen credits her burlesque experience with the Pussycat Dolls and the Bombshell Babes with helping to keep the sizzle in their relationship. “I kind of feel like, in my profession, I’m sexiest when I’m on stage performing and dancing. I put on lingerie, fishnet stockings, garter belts, bras. So much time and effort goes into pulling an outfit together,” she told The Sun. She added that when things heat up, I dig into my bag of costumes. After all, I’ve got a lot to choose from.” And she looks smokin’ hot in anything. Or nothing.

Fizzle

Gisele Bundchen and Leonardo DiCaprio
Over a five-year relationship, these two beautiful people have had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. Last fall, gossip columns had Leo purchasing a posh New York apartment with his Brazilian supermodel squeeze, prompting rumours they were engaged. Within days, the same columns were reporting the couple had split for good, Gisele hitting the beach with surfer Kelly Slater while Leo was commiserating with the equally unlucky-in-love Sienna Miller. Of course, this is not the first break-up for this longtime off-and-on couple, so they could be back together and engaged by the time you read this. Or married to someone else.

Charlie and Denise
It looked like former bad boy Charlie Sheen had finally settled down when he wed gorgeous actress Denise Richards in June, 2002. A baby soon followed, then another was on the way when the news broke that the six-months-pregnant Richards had filed for divorce. Rumors swirled about the reason for the split, and the actor told David Letterman that he had spent too much time on sports and not enough time helping to raise his kids. “It’s the first time I got dumped in my life. I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass.” The couple has been seen together but so far there’s no formal reconciliation. Denise has stated “It does seem like we’re together, but right now we’re focusing on the kids.”

Rescue 3-1-1

Another scholarly piece from Estylo magazine. This one, alas, never saw the light of day at Centerfold News because our publisher didn't sell enough ads to pay for the July 2008 issue. So for the first time anywhere (unless you're my copy editor) here's my advice on getting your all-important cosmetics past the TSA.

Rescue 3-1-1: How to pack your whole life into a quart-size bag.
by Linda F. Cauthen

The biggest challenge we ladies face in packing for a vacation that involves air travel is the dreaded 3-1-1 rule which forces us to fit a tackle-box sized cosmetic case into a quart-size Ziploc bag with no item containing more than three ounces of liquid or gel. No one wants to raise the suspicions of the Department of Homeland Security—or even worse, lose your most expensive lip gloss. So how do you make all your necessities fit?

#1: Get trial and travel sizes and free samples.
Plan ahead and start stashing away mini sizes of your favorite products. Hit up the department store salespeople for samples of perfume, makeup and skin care products. Check the trial-and-travel bins at your local drugstore, grocery and discount chains. Wal-Mart offers a continually changing array of free samples at http://walmart.triaddigital.com/Free-Samples.aspx. You should be able to find air-legal sizes of your toiletry and skin care staples that will still leave room in your baggie for makeup. Some of it, anyway.

#2: Figure out what restricted items you must have and pack them first to see how much space you have left.
I can’t go anywhere without my waterproof Great Lash mascara, Neutrogena Glow Sheers or Aveeno moisturizer so those so in first. I prefer gel deodorant and must have at least one tube of lipgloss. I put my eye-makeup remover pads in a snack-size baggie so they don’t leak on anything else. My nail polish gets its own baggie because nothing is worse (or smellier) than spilled nail polish. I’ve got mini sizes of my perfumes, skin care products and sunscreen so those are good to go.

#3: Substitute solids for liquids and gels.
Mineral makeup can stand in for sunscreen, liquid foundation and concealer but does not have to go into your 3-1-1 bag. Lipsticks, lip balms and gloss sticks are also considered solids—if you really need goopy gloss like I do, toss a clear or neutral one in the 3-1-1 bag and use it over lipsticks. Pack pencil liners and powder shadow rather than liquid liner and cream shadow.

#4: Save the 3-1-1 bag for liquids and gels by packing a separate bag for items you do not have to declare. You can get through security faster if the stuff you don’t have to declare isn’t mixed in with what you do. Your non-liquid bag can be your regular cosmetic bag and contain powders and solids plus implements like brushes and your eyelash curler. (But not scissors or other sharp objects that must be checked.) After you and your 3-1-1 baggie speed through security, pop it into your cosmetic bag and have a nice, relaxing flight.

Dog-gone Books

Also from the issue of Estylo I tried to stop but was outnumbered by rabid dog lovers. Here I looked at books for the canine fancier. Hopefully, the owner got to read them before his pet chewed them up.

Pets and Their Celebrities, Photography by Chris Ameruoso, Foreword by John Travolta (Animal Fair Media, $24.99)
Noted photographer Chris Ameruoso put together this revealing look at famous celebrities and the animals who love them. Pets and people are photographed (in black-and-white) at home, giving an intimate glimpse into their very special relationships. Ameruoso says, “I can also feel the love and see a different side of each person.” You will, too.

What a Lucky Dog! How to Understand Men Through Their Dogs by Wendy Diamond (Animal Fair Media, $15.95)
Diamond, the founder and editorial director of Animal Fair Magazine, has put together what she calls “the ultimate dating guidebook for dog (and men) lovers.” Wonder why George Lopez owns a Chihuahua, while Ricky Martin prefers a golden retriever? The author examines 32 breeds for their most revealing traits, then helps you find your perfect match by analyzing his choice in pooches. Don’t leave for the dog park without it!

The Tarantula Whisperer: A Celebrity Vet Shares Her Secrets to Communicating With Animals by Dr. Laura Pasten (Conari Press, $11.95)

A veterinarian to the stars (including Morris the Cat), Dr. Laura Pasten shares her insights about understanding and communicating with animals, including revealing anecdotes and untraditional advice. Her chronicles of a vet’s adventures are entertaining, and along the way you will pick up valuable tips on why your pet acts the way it does (besides the fact that it has you wrapped around its paw).

The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton by Tinkerbell Hilton (Warner Books, $9.95)
Look who’s barking. The paparazzi’s favorite pampered pooch spills the beans on her celebutante owner in this humorous fiction. Ghost writer D. Resin reveals the activities of famous-for-being-famous Paris Hilton from a Chihuahua’s point of view (and think how close to the ground that must be). Tinkerbell dishes on such vital matters as the Pomeranians who share her abode, Mom’s TV show and the price of fame.

The large career of a very small dog

I just finished a nine-year run at Latin celeb/entertainment/
lifestyle/whatever magazine Estylo and have been looking back at some of the more, eh, memorable clips of that era in my life. Here's one from Estylo's ill-fated Dog Issue of 2005, which taught us that our readers were more interested in human celebrities than dogs.

Gidget - Diva Doggie Deluxe: The large career of a very small dog
by Linda F. Cauthen

Despite her diminutive size (8 pounds, 11 inches tall), Gidget the Chihuahua has managed to claw out quite a career for herself. Entertainment Weekly named Gidget to their “It List” in June 1998, proclaiming she puts the “wow” in Chihuahua. From the moment she barked “Yo quiero Taco Bell” in the summer of 1997, the petite pooch was a star. Her wide-winging ears, expressive eyes, and the ferocious intensity of a method actress landed her the gig, and aided by the voice-overs of comic Carlos Alazraqui and a bit of digital animation, the canine ingenue became the distinctive voice of a major fast food chain.

For the next three years, Gidget went on to immortalize such phrases as “Viva gorditas!” “Here lizard lizard” and “Hasta la Vista Whopper.” Quickly becoming accustomed to the showbiz high life, she developed as taste for riding in style. Her trainer, Sue Chipperton quipped, “If she sees a limo door open that’s not ours, I have to say, ‘No, Gidget, we’re taking a taxi.’” The Taco Bell campaign not only moved several tons of their fast food, it also sold millions of plush toy versions of the cheeky Chi.

Alas, nothing lasts forever and in July of 2000, Gidge was unceremoniously dismissed when Taco Bell’s bottom line began to sag. Rather than doing the obvious and improving their food, the corporate honchos made the dainty dog their scapegoat and sent her to the canine unemployment line.

Undaunted, the ambitious Gidget refused to be typecast as a spokespuppy and turned her sights on serious acting in major motion pictures. After making her film debut in the comedy Crazy in Alabama directed by Antonio Banderas and starring his wife Melanie Griffith, Gidget assayed the challenging role of the abused mom of Elle Woods’ pup Bruiser in the 2003 hit sequel Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde, where she stole the show from the pregnant and MIA star Reese Witherspoon on the red carpet.

The now ten-year-old Gidget still takes occasional parts including a recent commercial for Trivial Pursuit 90’s Edition in which she co-starred with Dennis Rodman. But mostly she lives a quiet life in Lake Elizabeth, CA with trainer Sue Chipperton, doing good works for less-fortunate animals, such as a recent charity benefit for the Animal Actors Guild, a non-profit dedicated to the humane retirement of primate thespians. The semi-retired doggie doyenne can look back on career made even more impressive by the fact that she started life as a rescue.

Reality Show Bimbos Invade Country

There are a lot of talented young acts struggling to make it in Nashville right now. They write songs, cut demos, do showcases, network and generally work their butts off to try to make it big as a country star. Some of them are actually worth listening to, with well-written songs, tasty licks and memorable vocals.

Unfortunately, you’re not likely to hear them on country radio unless they also look like Maxim cover girls or GQ models. The labels are too busy signing cute young things from TV reality shows.

Last week, a cut from the upcoming “country” album by Jessica Simpson was leaked on the internet. Or maybe it escaped. Either way, it’s as overproduced, vacuous and soulless as one would expect from an “artist” who has failed at practically every other genre already. Maybe she thought that because she filled out her Daisy Dukes so well in that unfortunate Dukes of Hazzard film that she could sing country music. No, Jessica, the real Daisy couldn’t sing and neither can you.

Also making her country debut last week was Julianne Hough, the perky little cutie who trained an Olympic athlete and a race car driver to paso their dobles to victory on the TV show Dancing with the Stars. What that has to do with country music, I have no idea but she seems to have lured 65,000 DWTS fans to their local WalMarts to buy her album the week it came out. Her pretty face is all over country cable channel CMT’s website, looking at first glance like a young Faith Hill.

Wait, isn’t that what country radio’s been looking for since the original turned 35? Julie Roberts was supposed to be the “young Faith Hill” but her second album tanked so it’s back to the drawing board. Julie probably has too much soul at her young age for corporate country anyway. Chips Moman, if you’re still out there, I’d love to see what you could do with this girl.

I blame it all on Shania Twain. It’s not just because the combination of her annoyingly catchy ditties and the ham-fisted overkill of Garth Brooks drove me away from country radio in the 90s. No, her most dubious legacy is making it impossible for any female wearing a size larger than two to be heard in country music. Patsy Cline had arguably the greatest voice in the history of country music, but if she had come along now, we’d never hear that voice because she couldn’t squeeze into a pair of size zero True Religion jeans.

The biggest story in the music business the last few years is that it’s dying. The new music-buying generation, isn’t. Buying that is. They don’t want cool looking album covers to contemplate while rolling a joint. They don’t want hundreds of little plastic boxes cluttering up their cribs. They just want digital music to fill up their iPods. And they don’t really care how they get it. Those dinosaurs at the labels and the RIAA can scream “piracy” and sue their customers all they want, but they blew their chance to capitalize on digital music a decade ago and anything they attempt now is likely to be as effective as polishing the deck chairs on the Titanic.

While the industry honchos love to blame those music-stealing brats in high school and college for cutting short their overpaid careers, they’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg that hit them. A lot of us grownups aren’t buying their CDs, either. Maybe if the labels started signing artists for their music rather than how they look in a video, we’d all have some music worth buying. As long as artists are promoted primarily for their looks, we aren’t even getting music worth stealing.